A toddler is only willing to eat dinner after you meet their harsh demands.
1. You must hold me.
2. You must feed me.
3. I must eat directly from your plate.
4. I must drink directly from your glass. Do not complain about the gumbo I create with my backwash, that’s rude.
5. No bite can be larger than the circumference of a single pea. If you disobey this rule, I’m spitting the contents in your hand as a warning.
6. No bite must contain more than type of food at a time. Sauce is a type of food.
7. Food must be neither hot nor cold. 98° degrees is ideal. Please check the food every 45 seconds with a thermometer (not the rectal one, obviously).
8. There must be nothing spicy. Anything with more heat than ketchup, is spicy. Anything that does not taste like air is spicy. Anything with more flavor than tap water is spicy.
9. There must be nothing too hard, too soft, too bumpy, too slippery, or in the shape of a rectangle in sight. Rectangles upset me this week.
10. After each bite, you must verbally praise me, preferably with a standing ovation.
11. I will eat no more than 3-4 bites, after which dessert will be served immediately, followed by a cracker/tortilla chip course. After that I’ll take some milk in front of my shows.
12. None of these rules apply to grandma.