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Want to know what every man really wants for Father’s Day? Here’s a hint – it’s not a ‘World’s Best Father’ mug.

Nor is it an extravagant gift or expensive gadget. It is, however, the most thoughtful gift you could ever get him and one that he will remember as the best gift he has ever received.

Now that we have your attention, want to know what is this incredible gift could possibly be? It’s simple, leave dad the fuck alone.

That’s it, ladies. What dad really wants is deathlike silence for a day. This means a day free of nagging about your shitty friends, listening to screaming kids, answering a bombardment of questions, essentially a cease and desist of any and all forms of communication.

To aid you in providing dad with the perfect Father’s Day gift, I’ve compiled my ideal schedule to aid you in your quest.


8:00 AM: Wake up. Remember it’s Father’s Day and go back to sleep.

10:00 AM: Wake up.

10:30 – 11:30 AM: Shower, bacon and eggs, coffee. Shave? Oh Hell no.

11:31 AM: Sit down in my favorite chair outside.

1:01 PM: Open a beer. Drink the beer.

1:30 PM: Pee outside behind the shed.

1:34 – 2:00 PM: Make BBQ hotdogs for lunch. No yucky vegetables allowed.

2:01 – 2:30 PM: Pick weeds in the yard.

2:31 PM: More beer.

3:00 PM: Pee behind the bushes. Notice a pesky weed you missed. Pick the weed.

3:04 PM: Reflect on how freakin’ awesome the day has been so far.

3:05 – 4:00 PM: Lay in hammock and have a nap.

4:01 PM: Pee behind shed.

4:04 PM: Beer o’clock.

4:30 PM: Mow the lawn. Don’t bother moving your kids toys scattered throughout the grass, just mow over whatever shit they have left behind. Tough love.

5:30 PM: Eat dinner outside – alone. Dinner must contain, at minimum, two types of meat. Vegetables are welcome, I don’t need scurvy.

6:30 – 8:00 PM: Organize tools in garage.

8:01 PM – 12:00 AM: Watch classic movies like Star Wars with an obscene amount of popcorn, and an even more obscene amount of butter on that popcorn. Sporadically doze off, but know exactly where you are in the story line when you wake up.

12:01 AM: Pee in the bathroom. Father’s Day is over you savage.

So there you have it, what I call the perfect Father’s Day. However, if none of this will work for your individual situation, you can always buy him a shiny new grill! Happy Father’s Day!

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