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A study out of the University of Washington Department of Psychology has revealed that children are 800% worse when their mothers are in the room. If the children are under ten, the percentage doubles to 1,600%.

The study followed 500 families and measured Neediness, Whine Crying, Shriek Screaming, Attempted Slapping, Forgetting How To Walk/Use Words, and Acting The Fool.

Professor of Marriage and Family Psychology, Dr. K.P Leibowitz gave us insight into the study. “What we found was that children as young as eight months-old could be playing happily but upon seeing their mother enter a room were 99.9% more likely to begin crying, release their bowels, and need her immediate attention. The .1% was a vision-impaired child but once he heard his mother’s voice he began throwing things and asked for a snack despite having just eaten. Truly fascinating.”

Paul Olsen, a father of three and study participant, was shocked by the study’s outcome. “I always wondered why she couldn’t get anything done. She’s literally their kryptonite and magnet at the same time. They’re pretty good for me, though.”

The research found that despite using the same disciplinary methods, 100% of the children were more responsive to instructions spoken at a normal voice level if they came from someone other than their mother. To receive similar behavioral results, the women in the group had to raise their voices to that of someone being attacked by several large animals.

“I didn’t need a study to tell me this,” said study participant and mother of four Lisa Powell in a sit-down home interview. “My kids act half their age the second they catch my scent. It’s why I’m now a high functioning alcoholic,” she slurred while pinning sensory tables and first day of school picture ideas.

Dr. Leibowitz is working on a spray that masks a mother’s natural pheromones to offer some relief but in the meantime recommends families invest in a bathroom with a working lock.

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